Letting myself down

So when I first started out my journey as an island teacher, I had so many expectations for myself and for my students.  While I was student teaching and the summer before I left, I had grand dreams of what I would be able to accomplish.  I dreamed I would be an amazing teacher, a teacher who made a significant change in the lives of my students.  I pictured myself as doing it all, going to the moon, and then some.  I planned out large, elaborate, projects that would require logic, perseverance, cross cultural connections, and just plain awesomeness.  For example, I pictured my students making children's books.  They would have to write the story line, incorporate many different literary techniques, and finally become masters of their own learning.  I even bought those white, blank, hard cover books, with so many great ideas waiting to be written.  Maybe it was the first year big dreams, or my expectations didn't meet reality, or maybe I just didn't have a clue.

And during the year, while I was teaching, watching, observing, making lesson plans, and completing my WorldTeach TEFL course load, I realized that my dreams were way too unrealistic.  I felt like my students were at this point (imagine my left hand at the level of my shoulders) and I dreamed they would be here (now imagine the other hand at the level of my forehead/top of my head).  At first I was angry.  Why weren't my students up to this level?  Why didn't they know the basics?  Why did I think that they would be able to accomplish such great, Noble Prize things?  Why did I let myself think like that?

That was the one point I didn't understand.  Was I too unrealistic?  I received a harsh reality check, rather fast, and then I felt that I let myself down.  I felt that I wasn't being a good teacher.  I was letting myself down and therefore letting my students down because I assumed that they would all be up to the level of my imagination and ridiculous expectations.  I was failing and falling super fast.  And then I had a mental makeover.

I realized that my students can make momental changes, I just needed to start at a different point.  I needed to start back at the basics and build, and with this new building, they would be amazing.  Once I changed my way of thinking, I saw my students accomplish things that were truly incredible and inspiring.  I was amazed.  At the end of the year, I got my students reading!!  I feel so proud of my students, because I pushed myself to think differently and be a better teacher.  While I still have much improvement, regrets, and unfinished business, when I left, I felt I made a difference.  If I could do it all over again, I would have had the attitude change from the very beginning.  And then I truly could have been a better asset to my students.

So the moral of the story - expectations can be very devastating.  If I didn't have them, I guess I never would have let myself down.